Wee Little Pinky...

Every guys pretends that their penis is some form of superhero, that they can cure the most terrible diseases if they insert their penis into a vagina, that every girl will fall madly in love with them as if they were Batman.
They boast about how every girl they have ever been with says "Omg it's sooooo big" or "Oooooh it's hurts me!". They talk a big game about how amazing they are in bed, how many women they've slept with, and how many virgins they have corrupted and turned into raging whores. There are *some* of them that don't deserve the write to brag, and it's time for the biggest cunt of them all to burst your big egotistical fuckin bubbles.

Homie...stop your lying.

How are you gonna brag about some broad saying your cock is soooo big that it didn't fit inside of her, when I'm pretty sure a ferret's dick is bigger than yours. When your cock tucks neatly inside of my hand, and the head of it cannot be seen above my hand, you should stop bragging. And don't hate when a bitch starts laughing hysterically at you and informs you quite bluntly that "This shit just ain't gonna work". Sure you didn't decide how big to make your wee little penis grow, but for fuck sake don't brag about the size of your cock when it's appears you haven't hit puberty yet.

So you admit you aren't huge, but every girl thinks you're fuckin phenomenal in bed? Umm, that's what girls say when they don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm not one of those girls so let's put this shit out there real quick like. You suck in bed. Not like, you suck on twat really good and it made me cream myself...which we will discuss in a moment...no Holmes, you just fuckin sucked. What's with the rock-a-bye-baby hip motion from side to fuckin side?? Or that awkward thing you do where it feels like you're trying to hula-hoop with my vagina? Seriously, watch porn you'll learn a thing or two. It's in and out, up and down, back and forth...But that's your "signature move"?? Well, it's time to go back to the drawing board and create something new.

Speaking of licking twat...you should take some lessons from a lesbian. See, I kinda get why a girl let's another girl be face first between her thighs, cause guys don't see to fuckin get it. I swear of all the men I've ever been with in my life, this is the worst performance they ever give. It always ends in me thinking to myself "What can I do to get him to stop?" And for those of you that still have trouble finding a broads clit...uhhhh time to get back to anatomy class.

Now, about your whore making skills...you're very cocky to think that because of you beating some virgin guts in and then leaving the broad, that she is now a sex-craved little whorish twatter. It had nothing to do with you, sure she let your take her virginity, that's more than likely because she realized your cock would barely be felt inside of her and therefore she wouldn't have to worry about the pain associated with losing her virginity. Plus if anyone ever asked she could still claim to be a virgin, because your wee little penis didn't reach far enough inside of her to actually take her virginity aka pop her precious cherry.

So sit your ass down homie, cause the more you talk a big game, the more girls are laughing behind your back as they tell their girlfriends about the dude who thought his cock could satisfy anything more than a fleshlight.


Disclaimer -- Not every guy has a little penis and doesn't know how to use it properly. I did say *some* guys, I'm not really hating on men in general just a few specifics. Don't like it, don't read it..doesn't bother me either way...Tomorrow's edition will be about men with large cocks who don't know how to use them properly just so the little guys don't get all ass hurt over this.
=^_^= 
Meow.

I'd respect you more if you sucked D for a living..

 We interrupt your regularly scheduled reading to bring you a public service announcement.

It's called 'assistance' for a reason, bitch. It isn't there so that twats without common sense to keep their legs close can live off it for years on end. You post on Facebook every five fuckin minutes about how you're a hard working momma trying to take care of your kids, busting your balls because the dude who you decided to reproduce with ain't payin enough in child support...Bitch, get off Facebook and troll fuckin Craigslist for a little thing normal folks like to call EMPLOYMENT. McDonald's is beneath you? Bitch, please. The only thing that's even been beneath you, gave you a serious case of crabs and left his sperm oozin out praying nothing would stick inside the encrusted depths of your uterus.

You need a damn reality check. Seriously, you can't go work the 3rd shift at WalMart, but you can spend the night up grabbing your ankles and bending it over for every random homie you've met at the corner store. Shit, start charging those saggy balls. At least then we could say you're really are busting your ass for a paycheck...or maybe eatin it would be more appropriate?

You proudly admit that you're on Food Stamps and Section 8 housing assistance? Your momma should've raised you to have a little pride in yourself and your life, and I don't mean the kinda pride that gives you no qualms about posting half naked pictures on Facebook cause you think every dude wants to see your stretch marks and fake tan...I'm talking the kinda pride which causes you to wake up each day before noon and take care of your kids, then go to work so you can bring home a paycheck to pay your bills with each month.

How the hell are you gonna pull a Food Stamp card out of that pretty little Coach bag? Darlin' truth is you are the classic definition of a poser. Don't get it twisted, I truly believe that you should utilize the assistance available if you're in need and for a moment in life, but bitch when your laundry list of assistance includes close to, if not everything, that the government offers and you've been on that shit for fucking years...you're a lazy twattler.


Thank you for your attention, please return to your regularly scheduled dicklickin activities.

Sasquatch was Special Ops...

I'm completely bewildered at the moment. I will never quite understand the reason people lie, whether the lie is big or small. Fuckers need to realize that their bullshit will eventually get called out and they'll be lucky to walk away with all their fuckin teeth.

Here's the scenario --
I'm looking for a roommate, I weed through all the craziness that comes my way. From the crossdresser who wants to rent my second bedroom for his "daytime playroom" to the dozens of single men who seem to think that every single mom is looking for willing dick to suck. I finally, after over 100 people, find a woman girl and her fiance that seem decent and invite them over to look at the apartment, meet my children, and discuss themselves in attempts to determine whether I think I could tolerate them enough to wake up each morning and see their little squishy faces.
Here's their story -- They were both in the military, are both currently students and working part time jobs; they can afford the meager $500 a month for rent & utilities, just don't have the credit to go get their own place or the proof of double income that is required by most leasing companies. Ok, I get that...been there myself in the past.
They seem nice enough, a bit strange, but as everyone knows I'm quite a character myself and can look past their quirks (for the most part...the whole bathroom issue discussion still bothers me). They meet my kids, who seem to like them well enough, they come to my Chunk's first birthday where my friends and family meet them and no one really has anything negative to say. Sounds good? Hell yes.

Um. NO. 

They were scheduled to move into my apartment tomorrow...till I got a strange text message this evening about how they couldn't afford to pay me for the next 60 fuckin days...yes, that's right homie. You read it right SIXTY DAYS....uh bitch say whaaaat? Instantly felt that suspicious feeling, then I got a random text that made zero sense to me, which apparently was intended for someone else...but when she finally did text me back, she adds "Oh btw my parents don't know I was in the military, they think I was studying abroad."

RED FUCKIN FLAG.

So I asked her questions about her military experience and am told she was SPECIAL OPS and used aliases. 

**looks around room to see if anyone else believes that bullshit**

So I asked for her DD214 which would be her military discharge papers, as proof....that's when every fuckin lie you can possibly imagine started blowing up my phone like a hooker on payday. 

Everything from she doesn't want to "be on the run or hiding" for the rest of her miserable little life, to she doesn't want to endanger me and my kids...Ohhh and then there's the 15 (yehhhhh) stages of protocols she will have to go through to get her DD214 docs, which BTW will not have her real name or social security number attached to it, because it's under her alias..........................bitch say whhhhaaaat!?

She should've stopped while she was ahead. 

I quickly informed her that she may be SPECIAL OPS in Call of fuckin Duty or maybe even some Modern Warfare bullshit, but there isn't any way in the devil's blazin nut sack that she was Special Ops of the United States Military and she should shut her fuckin mouth because the more lies that spill out the more I wanna bust her teeth into the back of her throat and make her fuckin choke on them hardcore. (anger issues? Nahhh not me)

I don't get what the point is in lying about anything, but to lie about having been in the military? Seriously. Put the damn PS3 controller down twat and step your white ass back into the real fuckin world for a minute. If you'd simply said you were a college student with a part time job, I wouldn't have cared...you're military lies weren't what was going to get you in the fuckin door, but your lies about it sure as hell got your little Sasquatch ass kicked the fuck out before you started.  

I hate people. 

Chivalry on life support and a bitch slap to your man junk...

Once upon a time...

In a world of nostalgia and magic there was a little thing called chivalry, unfortunately that world is simply a fairytale that we hear as little girls and spend the rest of our lives searching for Prince Charming to gallivant up on his white horse and sweep us off our feet into a beautiful sunset, kiss our lips sweetly and whisper sweet nothings into our ears...and as the story goes we should live happily-ever-after.

It doesn't work that way ladies, society has evolved so dramatically that it's quite rare to find even a glimmer of it left. I don't believe that chivalry has died, the bastard is just on life support and losing the battle that rages on between a woman wanting a man to treat her like his princess and then sending him mixed signals that she's a "strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man". The mixed message and double standards may have led us to exactly this place and time, it's a tragedy.

However, it is not all the woman's fault...

Men. 

They don't grow em like they used to...

Arrogant, pretentious, self-serving pricks...now.

Sure, you're momma raised you to think you're special and any girl would be lucky to have you, but that's her fucking job and at some point you need to slam your dick against a wall, wake the fuck up and realize that just cause the woman that pushed you head first out of her little twat hole found you irresistible doesn't mean that every other twat walking down the street, sitting in Starbucks, or on the internet thinks your shit would smell like roses on a hot summer day. So get down off the high horse that's giving you blisters on your ball sack and realize you have as many fucking flaws as the girls you spend your time criticizing. 

She likes you, but you don't think she's pretty enough, skinny enough, or smart enough? Maybe she's willing to love you regardless of your irrational and egotistical attitude but you're gonna miss out because she isn't the model/rocket scientist you seem to think you deserve in life. You say you want a girl who is "real", yet you want a girl who is absolutely perfect in every way...perhaps your should refine your definition of perfect, or stop looking for perfection altogether and take a step back into reality.

She's not pretty enough to take home to momma? Well, tell momma to build herself a bridge and take a flying fuckin leap off it. Once you become an adult it is no longer about whether your mom is going to approve of the girl you're with or not. Who cares if your mom thinks you deserve better, if the girl loves you, takes care of you, supports your every dream, encourage your every whim, and spends every moment of her life trying to find some way to put a smile on your face, than momma can shove her "He's my baby boy and he deserves only the best" bullshit up her cobwebbed hole. 

She doesn't make enough money? SAY WHAT! Homie, you're trippin. Just cause she wants to be independent and have a job, be self-sufficient and not have to worry about a man taking care of her every need, doesn't mean that she needs to support your grown ass self for the rest of your life while you sit on your ass eating powdered donuts, drinking Mt. Dew and playing Xbox all day. She is not your momma, she doesn't owe you a damn thing and it isn't her responsibility to make sure that your bills get paid. 

She has quirks? Um, yeh learn to live with them and love them because no bitch should ever have to change who she is in order to be with a man. If you can't love a girl for who she is the moment you met her - regardless of her past, her flaws, her present, her quirks - than just keep on moving. Cause it doesn't matter if she tries to change, deep down inside she will always be exactly who she was the moment you met her and one day she will resent you for making her try to be someone she never was. You've got quirks too, be intuitive enough to recognize them and not judge someone else too harshly for theirs. 

Now, ladies...

Stop trying to play it like you don't need a man, and then bitch that guys are dicklickers on a mission to rule the world with their decaying jizz tissues and obsession for Doritos. Stop trying to change them, accept them for who they are -- even if it means you laugh at them while they scratch their nuts with their Cheeto fingers. 

You're not perfect either, whether you think you are or not, deep down inside we all have issues (even if your issue is that you think you don't have any) and you gotta be a big girl about it, realize that it's a two-way street and you've shit your big girl britches a time or two in the past and have to be willing to accept a guy who's done the same. 

I don't believe in soul-mates, but I think there is a pivotal moment when you find someone who understands you and accepts you just as you are...that is when you know you've found yourself someone who would be willing to go through every struggle, every up and down, every life altering moment with you and still hold your hand in the end and tell you how strong and courageous you were.

Facebook -- Take a massive shit

Facebook -- the one place everyone takes a massive shit for the whole world to see.


Broke up with your boyfriend? Post it on Facebook.
Did you cheat on your wife? Post that shit on Facebook.
Your cat died 6 months ago and you're still crying about it daily? Please, share on Facebook.
You hate Sally cause she looked at your boyfriend the wrong way? Trash the hoe on Facebook.
Life gotcha down? Facebook is therapy, post it.


Facebook used to be the place I went for a few giggles over my morning coffee, now I cannot have my coffee while perusing Facebook each day, cause the stench radiating from the bullshit all over Facebook is so strong I can almost taste it in my coffee. Thanks fuckers.

Before I start spewing my utterly brilliant thoughts about Facebook and all my lovely "friends", I would like to point out that I do NOT have a single friend on Facebook that is a child -- so please remember these are grown ass folks and I don't feel bad taking a few stabs at them or their behavior.

Yes, I know I'll probably lose a few friends over what I'm about to do, but let's face it the only reason any of you like me in the first place is cause I just say whatever I want without really giving a shit if you like me for it in the end or not.

Facebook status fighting --

This is the most a irritating thing I've ever witnessed. If you bitches wanna fight on Facebook, at least do it in 1 place so I don't have to keep clicking back and forth between profiles in order to keep up with the pathetic attempts to bitch slap each other with words. I mean really, it's 7am and I haven't had my coffee yet, could you at least make your virtual fighting user friendly?
I'm tempted to contact Facebook and suggest a new "Beat a bitch down" feature.


Relationship status changes --

Ohh, I've lost a friend or two over this already, so I'll say it again. If you're changing your relationship status once a week, once every other week, or once a month --
BREAK THE FUCK UP AND STAY THAT WAY!!! Please. ^_^
For the sake of all that is unholy on this earth, I cannot figure out why you insist on changing your relationship status every time you have a disagreement over ketchup or which club to go to or what movie to watch!

At this point I should also mention that when your status does something like this:

"In a relationship with Harry" -- awww I love him today!!
"Single" -- That fucker ate all the damn Froot Loops, he's lucky to be breathing.
"It's complicated" -- I love him, but I don't know if he is Mr. Right.
"In a relationship with Eric" -- Eric's balls are shaved.

It just makes you look like a dumb broad who obviously come with a warning sign
"WARNING: UNSTABLE"

Drama Queens --

You bitches make my day entertaining. You know those ridiculous reality shows on TV where there is always that one twat who makes you glad your life is boring because everything in her life is a life-shattering event?? You bitches make me so happy my life is boring. You have a headache, okay I can see saying something like "Oh, my head is pounding like a hooker on payday", that I can live with and probably sympathize with and maybe if I'm in a good mood leave a "hope you feel better homie" comment so that you get a little smile...but NO. You're so overly fucking dramatic about it "Ohhh Mmmmm Geee. My head hurts sooooo bad, why me? Why am I cursed with a headache right now? My show Vampire Diaries is on and my head hurts soooo bad I cannot even watch it cause the light and sound makes it worse and my DVR is broken. I wish someone could come make my head feel better before I try to attempt brain surgery on myself with a butter knife and toilet paper." To which my response is going to be "Stupid twat, die already." and I will effectively remove your nonsense from my News Feed...but don't go messaging me in 2 days asking why I haven't commented on anything since and then get offended when I tell you that you make me wanna slit my wrists with a SPORK!

Followers --

What is wrong with you fools?? This reminds me of a commercial about the internet and the bullshit people believe from it...

The fact is simply this -- Just because Tom posts that Facebook is going to eat your first born son, foreclose of your house, and tie you up and insert steel rods in your balls if you don't re-post some status that makes absolutely no logical sense or has easily detected flaws, doesn't mean that you should re-post it or share it with all 900 friends.
Facebook doesn't care if you're there or not, Mark Zuckerberg isn't coming to rip your uterus out and eat it for breakfast with his Cheerios. Oh, you want to argue about your privacy and how it's important to spread and share those stupid privacy posts like a 1/2 penny hooker spreads her crabs?? Okk folks, let me ask you this...if your privacy is so damn important to you than why do you constantly insist on posting all your little private bits of your life on the internet? Point.

Picture Whores --

I had a random status a few weeks ago about this and my sister commented immediately that she felt like I was directing it at her -- if the shoe fits...
You've posted 22 pictures of yourself today, WHY? Sure you're cute, but if anyone really wanted to see that much of your face they'd get their lazy asses off Facebook and come for a visit. Ohh look, you just took #23 and made a new facial expression, oh wait...no still the ducky lips. (btw wtf is the point in that?) And why do you insist on re-posting the same picture 20 minutes later if no one comments or likes it?? Please, stop. You argue that I don't "love" myself enough so I don't post many pictures...Um, no. I'm not self-absorbed and think that everyone wants to see a new picture of me every 30 minutes pop up on their News Feed.

Cry me a river --

But only if you're gonna build a bridge too and then jump off the fucker.
Seriously complaining and crying that you have no friends on Facebook is like a child telling his teacher a magical fucking unicorn ate his homework. You're fucking ridiculous. Don't have friends yet when I go check out your pretty little page you have over 600 "friends" that you just informed aren't your fucking friends. Now one has to question whether you were being serious or just needing to be an attention whore for a moment and have someone pat your virtual back and tell you life is gonna get better cause you're AMAZING. -- insert eyeroll here --

Every moment of every minute of every day --

SHUT THE FUCK UP. Disable Facebook app from phone and turn phone off.
When your status reads:

"Gonna shower, shave my legs, go pee, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, see my friend, eat dinner, take a shit, go to bed."

You've got to expect that someone somewhere (especially if you're friends with me) is going to comment and ask how your epic shit felt. Seriously?? Homie, we've got to work on your people skills (yeh, I know, who am I to talk about people skills when I've just pissed off 95% of my friends in 5 easy minutes of reading).

Keep Calm and Doggie??

Ask any guy to list his top three favorite sex positions and 98% of the time "doggie style" will make it on that list, which leaves women wondering "What the hell is so great about this position for the homie with the hard-on?" I've put together 4 hypothetical groups of strangers to answer this question..

Group A - 10 women.

Group B - 5 men and 5 women

Group C - 6 men and 4 women

Group D - 10 men.


Let's ask the women in Group A what they believe is the reason for this "obsession" -
  It's a visual stimuli, when a woman is bent over in the doggie style position her ass appears more round and curvy, her legs look longer and leaner, you can see the muscle tone and definition of her calves and thighs, her soft skin exposed between her legs creates a primal urge inside of a man that he cannot control.

Maybe.

Okay, so let's see what Group B an even mixture of men and women would theorize -Dominance. A woman on her hands and knees is a position of submission. This is not a position in which she is being degraded, rather she is giving herself to him - she is allowing him to take her and do as he wishes with her. Men who understand this act of submission don't take it for granted, it increases their primal instinct to take control and drive themselves into that warm wet place being given to them.

Ok, sure...

But I prefer to go to Group D for the real answer - It's because men can pretend to be and do anything they want in this position, after all her face is obliviously shoved into a pillow or mattress, probably imagining her own fantasy which doesn't include the guy behind her. The guys can make retarded ass faces and never worry whether the broad he's balls deep in is gonna think that was his "sexy face". He can pretend to be anything or anyone he wants - wanna be a cowboy for the day?? Pow Pow - Bang Bang!!! Slap the bitch's ass like she's a 1/2 penny brothel whore -- she'll never know! Got the urge to be a caveman? Pretend to use the friction you're building as you're slammin into her, to build a fire in the snowy mountains before your balls turn into icicles and drop off.
Ohh or my personal favorite -- fighting aliens in space!! Yeh, that's right ladies you heard me right!!! While you're over there going "Ohhh ohh oh yes baby harder" he's pretending that with every pump high voltage laser beams are shooting out of your head and eliminating aliens that peak out of every corner and crevice (yes, I said crevice.)...Choouumm Chooumm Pssstchaaaw. Also, remember that after every performance men know the world is cheering and therefore take a slight bow and wave to the imaginary crowd of thousands before rolling a woman over and waiting for her "Baby that was amazing!" comment, thinking to themselves "Tomorrow I gotta remember to flash a few signs to my homies before being a gladiator!!!"

Oh and if you actually read the entire thing and are questioning why Group C (4 woman and 6 men) was excluded from this study, during the waiting period for Groups A & B to answer, Group C all decided to just test the subject matter and were unavailable to answer questions due to one partner's faces shoved into the carpets and men playing cops and robbers behind them...

Who Says a Girl's Favorite Color is Pink?

It amazes me how many people think that if a girl isn't all "hearts and flowers" over Valentine's Day, that she must be single and miserable. Sure, there are some single ladies out there that dread that one day a year when they're reminded that everyone they know is either out on a date, cuddling in bed, or getting their world slammed in the backseat of a car, while she's sitting at home watching Wheel of Fortune with her folks; but there are many others who simply find the day to be useless and rather a pathetic display of ridiculous emotions and sentiment.

I've decided to compile my TOP FIVE reasons that I dislike Valentine's Day...Don't take it all so serious, remember it's meant to be humorous...I just happen to have a twisted sense of humor.

1. I have been in a relationship for 8 years…that my friends should be “nuff said”, but I’ll continue – I did promise 5 reasons after all. 

2. I hate the color pink, hearts and anything ubber romantic and cheesy. Seriously, the lovey-dovey, overly dramatic, laying on the bullshit thicker than Paula Deen lays on the butter is over rated and makes me want to pop a dude’s eyeballs out with a spork rather than drop my panties and grab my ankles. 

3. If a bitch needs one fuckin day a year to feel fucking special and appreciated than her “man” ain't doing his job in the first place by making her feel loved and appreciated throughout the entire fuckin year. 

4. I don't need my man to buy me flowers that will die, cards that I'll throw away, chocolate that will fuck with my (non-existent) abs and ass, jewelry that I'll never wear, or a giant fuckin teddy bear that I'll post on the "freebie" section of Craigs list the next day. If I wanted those things, I’d buy them for myself; Being independent and self-reliant is an amazing thing! 

5. And finally to those few men out there - if your girl needs you to buy her all those things and take her out to some over-priced restaurant where she’ll basically eat a roll and a small bowl of salad cause it took you 6hrs to get a table and she ended up eating 2 Snickers while waiting, just so that she will feel “special” enough to get on her knees and wrap her lips around your ‘semi’, than you need to trade in for a newer model…just sayin.