Confessions of a Fat Girl

Mar. 23rd, 2013                                   

Confession #1.     

I hate myself. 

The mirror is my biggest enemy.

I don't go shopping because trying on clothes makes me cry. 

My son has said he wishes I had a "normal" body. 

I've decided to take on my biggest critic, myself. 

I'm on an adventure to be a slimmer, healthier, more confident me. 

It's not going to be an easy adventure, it's going to be filled with sweat, tears, and pain but it will all be worth it in the end. 

For the past week I've started incorporating new things into my life, tools that will help me lose weight and feel better about who I am --

• Yoga. I've always loved yoga, the style of yoga I am doing twice a day (before coffee and before bed) is called Ki Yoga it is a dynamic Japanese style of yoga. 
• Walking. Whether it's 30 minutes or more, taking the time each day to get my blood flowing and my heart rate up is essential...whether it's while having a chat with friends or alone in my own thoughts. 
• 30 Day Shred. It's a bitch. I ain't gonna lie, I have the urge to punch Jillian Michaels in her babymaker, but a dear friend and one of my biggest supporters challenged me to start this fitness program with her and I'm not the kinda girl who ever turns down a challenge.

I've been walking and doing yoga a few times a week for months now, but have decided that it's time to really get serious and I'm determined that by my 29 birthday which is in exactly 88 days, I will have made significant changes to my body and outlook on life. 

I've taken a "before" picture - bra and panties only...yes, I almost cried when I looked at it, but it's my motivation. I am not however going to share that picture just yet with anyone publicly, I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready for that step. 

I am going to use this section of my blog as a type of  "fitness" journal and keep everyone updated on my progress, as well as my struggles and challenges. Each day I will post a new confession as a method of letting go and facing the things that hold me back and mind fuck me. 

Thanks for the support, the love, and the encouragement. 

                                                   

Mar. 25th, 2013

 Confession #2

I am my biggest critic. 

I'm not sure there has ever been a moment in my life in which I've ever felt truly good about myself, internally or externally. I'm always battling my own fears, my own thoughts, my own feelings; I say the most cruel things to myself, when I'm feeling unloved or unwanted my thoughts begin to wander and I start to convince myself that all these awful things are true about myself. 

I've heard cruel things about myself from others, and have allowed the "You're not good enough and will never be good enough" to sink in and become my reality. Time for a fuckin reality check. 

I am good enough. Maybe you don't think so...but I am. 

I am pretty enough. Maybe you wouldn't consider me pretty, but I am. 

I am smart enough. Maybe I don't qualify as smart to you, but I am. 

I will no longer let the things others think and feel about me negatively impact my life. So if you don't like who I am, how fat I am, how pretty I am, or how smart I am, than please walk away and don't look back cause you and your negative attitude have no bearing on who I am and I will no longer allow myself to believe your lies or beat myself up because I'm not your idea of perfect. 

I need an incentive...sure being healthy, losing weight, feeling better about myself are all amazing incentives but I need a bit more than that. So I have decided that for every day I push through the pain and the mental negativity that I will put $1 into savings for myself -- my goal is that by my birthday in June, that I will be able to go out and celebrate by getting myself a new tattoo to embrace my strength and determination and the new life I'm embarking on. I have decided that I will get a similar tattoo to one of the two pictures below.

A feather as a reminder that even the broken can fly...

An anchor to represent strength to withstand any storm...

Which would you choose? I love both of them. 

Thanks for the support and encouragement...and taking the time to read.