Broke up with your boyfriend? Post it on Facebook.
Did you cheat on your wife? Post that shit on Facebook.
Your cat died 6 months ago and you're still crying about it daily? Please, share on Facebook.
You hate Sally cause she looked at your boyfriend the wrong way? Trash the hoe on Facebook.
Life gotcha down? Facebook is therapy, post it.
Facebook used to be the place I went for a few giggles over my morning coffee, now I cannot have my coffee while perusing Facebook each day, cause the stench radiating from the bullshit all over Facebook is so strong I can almost taste it in my coffee. Thanks fuckers.
Before I start spewing my utterly brilliant thoughts about Facebook and all my lovely "friends", I would like to point out that I do NOT have a single friend on Facebook that is a child -- so please remember these are grown ass folks and I don't feel bad taking a few stabs at them or their behavior.
Yes, I know I'll probably lose a few friends over what I'm about to do, but let's face it the only reason any of you like me in the first place is cause I just say whatever I want without really giving a shit if you like me for it in the end or not.
Facebook status fighting --
This is the most a irritating thing I've ever witnessed. If you bitches wanna fight on Facebook, at least do it in 1 place so I don't have to keep clicking back and forth between profiles in order to keep up with the pathetic attempts to bitch slap each other with words. I mean really, it's 7am and I haven't had my coffee yet, could you at least make your virtual fighting user friendly?
I'm tempted to contact Facebook and suggest a new "Beat a bitch down" feature.
Relationship status changes --
Ohh, I've lost a friend or two over this already, so I'll say it again. If you're changing your relationship status once a week, once every other week, or once a month --
BREAK THE FUCK UP AND STAY THAT WAY!!! Please. ^_^
For the sake of all that is unholy on this earth, I cannot figure out why you insist on changing your relationship status every time you have a disagreement over ketchup or which club to go to or what movie to watch!
At this point I should also mention that when your status does something like this:
"In a relationship with Harry" -- awww I love him today!!
"Single" -- That fucker ate all the damn Froot Loops, he's lucky to be breathing.
"It's complicated" -- I love him, but I don't know if he is Mr. Right.
"In a relationship with Eric" -- Eric's balls are shaved.
It just makes you look like a dumb broad who obviously come with a warning sign
"WARNING: UNSTABLE"
Drama Queens --
You bitches make my day entertaining. You know those ridiculous reality shows on TV where there is always that one twat who makes you glad your life is boring because everything in her life is a life-shattering event?? You bitches make me so happy my life is boring. You have a headache, okay I can see saying something like "Oh, my head is pounding like a hooker on payday", that I can live with and probably sympathize with and maybe if I'm in a good mood leave a "hope you feel better homie" comment so that you get a little smile...but NO. You're so overly fucking dramatic about it "Ohhh Mmmmm Geee. My head hurts sooooo bad, why me? Why am I cursed with a headache right now? My show Vampire Diaries is on and my head hurts soooo bad I cannot even watch it cause the light and sound makes it worse and my DVR is broken. I wish someone could come make my head feel better before I try to attempt brain surgery on myself with a butter knife and toilet paper." To which my response is going to be "Stupid twat, die already." and I will effectively remove your nonsense from my News Feed...but don't go messaging me in 2 days asking why I haven't commented on anything since and then get offended when I tell you that you make me wanna slit my wrists with a SPORK!
Followers --
What is wrong with you fools?? This reminds me of a commercial about the internet and the bullshit people believe from it...
Facebook doesn't care if you're there or not, Mark Zuckerberg isn't coming to rip your uterus out and eat it for breakfast with his Cheerios. Oh, you want to argue about your privacy and how it's important to spread and share those stupid privacy posts like a 1/2 penny hooker spreads her crabs?? Okk folks, let me ask you this...if your privacy is so damn important to you than why do you constantly insist on posting all your little private bits of your life on the internet? Point.
Picture Whores --
I had a random status a few weeks ago about this and my sister commented immediately that she felt like I was directing it at her -- if the shoe fits...
You've posted 22 pictures of yourself today, WHY? Sure you're cute, but if anyone really wanted to see that much of your face they'd get their lazy asses off Facebook and come for a visit. Ohh look, you just took #23 and made a new facial expression, oh wait...no still the ducky lips. (btw wtf is the point in that?) And why do you insist on re-posting the same picture 20 minutes later if no one comments or likes it?? Please, stop. You argue that I don't "love" myself enough so I don't post many pictures...Um, no. I'm not self-absorbed and think that everyone wants to see a new picture of me every 30 minutes pop up on their News Feed.
Cry me a river --
But only if you're gonna build a bridge too and then jump off the fucker.
Seriously complaining and crying that you have no friends on Facebook is like a child telling his teacher a magical fucking unicorn ate his homework. You're fucking ridiculous. Don't have friends yet when I go check out your pretty little page you have over 600 "friends" that you just informed aren't your fucking friends. Now one has to question whether you were being serious or just needing to be an attention whore for a moment and have someone pat your virtual back and tell you life is gonna get better cause you're AMAZING. -- insert eyeroll here --
Every moment of every minute of every day --
SHUT THE FUCK UP. Disable Facebook app from phone and turn phone off.
When your status reads:
"Gonna shower, shave my legs, go pee, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, see my friend, eat dinner, take a shit, go to bed."
You've got to expect that someone somewhere (especially if you're friends with me) is going to comment and ask how your epic shit felt. Seriously?? Homie, we've got to work on your people skills (yeh, I know, who am I to talk about people skills when I've just pissed off 95% of my friends in 5 easy minutes of reading).
Pure twisted honesty is hard to come by, aren't you glad you have a friend like me?
Now I will wait to be deleted, cussed out, talked about on your Facebook and for the very few applauses that will come my way for being a big enough twathole to just say what I want.
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