My week of annoyances...Are you on the list?

Pet Peeves. Everyone has them, hell there are entire websites dedicated to posting and reading the pet peeves that others have, quite entertaining at times.
So let's talk about my week of pet peeves!

Monday - Clean your carpets once a week...at least.

 Seriously, when you beg me for a week to come visit you for the day and "bring the baby", would it have killed you to take 20 minutes of your time to run the vacuum before I arrived with my 9 month old who is crawling and walking everywhere and puts everything in his mouth? Hell you could've run it the day before I arrived for all I care, but I shouldn't be digging shit outa my kid's mouth that looks like it's been sitting on your floor for the past 3 weeks...Only the devil knows if that was a piece of chocolate or your cat's...omg I need to bleach his mouth now, thanks. 

Tuesday - Buy SOAP! 

I have a hard time accepting that dinner invitation from you, when I go to take a pee in the bathroom you spent all morning bragging about being a "spa like experience", only to find that there is no soap in the bathroom...Not even an empty soap bottle or a little sliver of an old bar of soap? And yes, I looked around for a small bottle of hand sanitizer but the only thing I found was a pocket size bottle of Astroglide. Really?? I'm actually a bit terrified to eat anything you've prepared now. Thanks, but no thanks. 

Wednesday - Quit teaching my kid bestiality in school.

When I ask what my kid learned in school today, the response shouldn't be "I watched Beauty and the Beast". If I wanted my kids to watch Disney movies all damn day, I'd keep his ass home...at least then I wouldn't have to wake up at the asshole crack of dawn every day. And don't argue that "Disney teaches good values", bitch please! The only thing Disney ever teaches kids is if you kiss a random animal they somehow turn into fuckable princes, you can sleep in the same bed as 7 men and no one will judge you, all apples are poisonous and if you're gonna avoid the apple you might as well avoid all fruit cause you just never know who is gonna try to trick you, prancing around 1/2 naked is socially acceptable - no need for a shirt wear a bra or perhaps just a couple seashells over your nipples then try to get a job anywhere but a stripclub; this could go on forever but I'll let it go, just teach my kid some fuckin math or something, damn. 

Thursday - If you must sound like Darth Vader on the phone, don't call me. 

The only thing that makes Darth Vader cool is that he is a diabolically evil cyborg killing machine, he's the  meanest, most sinister, badass motherfucking characters in the history of cinema...before the prequels went and gave him some fruity bullshit backstory. You, are not Darth Vader, you couldn't be so wickedly fuckin phenominal if you tried on a good day, so please don't call me breathing all heavy into the phone like you just ran a 5K in stilettos. I'd prefer not to speak to you at all, but if you must contact me for some absolutely ridiculous reason like not knowing how to turn your toaster on, use text message! In fact, I'd might actually like you if you didn't call me so I could just imagine that you had a super sexii voice that would make me wanna drop my panties and hump your leg...please stop torturing me.

Friday - "We're pregnant!" 

Uhhh no bitch, YOU'RE pregnant. There ain't no "we" to that shit, own it. He jizzed in you, sorry for your luck and now hunni you're just fucked. Take it from a bitch who's been there, done that and got 3 kids to show for it. There's no "we" to the equation, you're the one who will expand in size, who not only has to buy ridiculously ugly jeans that have that big ass "expand a belly" thing that stretch up to your boobs, you're gonna have to start wearing completely unsexy bras and panties that make you wanna cry by month 5. You're the one who is going to go through every test, be poked and prodded and have a half dozen or more random strangers looking at your twattler throughout the next 8-9 months, without first taking you to dinner or at least buying you a pack of fucking Skittles so you can taste the fuckin rainbow while they're busy looking at yours. Homie isn't losing sleep at night, he's not craving every high-calorie junk food you've spent your entire life avoiding for fear of losing that bikini friendly tummy, nor is he the one who in approximately 6 1/2 months won't be able to see his junk anymore!  Love that perfectly smooth "down there" area, well hunni you better find an amazing salon that offers a Brazillian and get used to the pain, cause after awhile your stomach ain't gonna allow for you to do it yourself and trust me the "touch and shave" method isn't the best idea anyone ever had. But sure continue to boast that "we're pregnant!", and lemme know if you still feel that way when you're on your back pushing that big headed baby out of your twathole while he's on his Blackberry updating his facebook status to say "We're giving birth!".

Saturday - Grocery store wackadoodles. 

Please refrain from clipping your fingernails in the check out lane at Publix, I mean c'mon! You couldn't have done that in your spare time at home when you were laying in your Lazyboy scratching your balls watching Jeopardy last night? You had to wait till I'm standing in line behind you to whip out your handy-dandy nail clippers and just start chippin away letting piece of that shit go flying every which way! Oh, and to the random cashier who stops all scanning of my items to have a 20 minute conversation with the person in line behind me, fuck you. I was working my ninja skills in that store, till I came across you! My plan to be in and out in less than 15 minutes came to crashing halt because you deemed it necessary to chat it up with the bitch behind me about a mouse in your car! Fuck you, eat D-Con and die.

Maybe it's just my utter disgust for people, maybe I'm just a really cranky bitch without nicotine and caffeine, or maybe it's just that the world is filled with insanely annoying yet completely humorous moments that I find worthy of sharing.